In 2011 my life started going to shit because I gave up control of my situation to people I shouldn’t have. At the time, and for many years previous, I had considered certain people friends to be trusted. They turned out to be anything but; I’m sure there are others who think highly of Niall Curran and Jason Jarvis, but I do not.
Am I bitter about what happened because of Niall Curran and Jason Jarvis during my last couple of years at Nexus451? Not nearly as much as I have been in the past. I’ve been through too much, lost too much to give too much of a damn about people like these. There’s not an awful lot left that I have to lose, which, funnily enough, brings a certain amount of freedom.
The past is a foreign country, as L. P. Hartley wrote - you can’t go back to it, hold onto it or change a single damned thing about it. Sometimes you and others have shared connections to the past, bridges that tie you there - which can be a good thing, a bad thing, or a bit of both.
If a bridge is burning beneath you there are few choices:
Turn back to the past where you came from and hope something of the future you were building towards can be salvaged, back towards the very people who set fire to the bridge for their own advantage once you were stood at its middle; back to the sly tricks that little men play for nothing more than a Judas coin, a traitor’s ill-gotten gain that tarnishes all those who benefit from it.
Stand still while everything around you goes up in flames; afraid to go back for fear of being indebted in to those who betrayed a trust, afraid to go forward because, engulfed in the dark cloud of treachery you can’t see what lies about you. Every step if fraught with potential threat. The only way out is to trust in the hands of those who would reach out to you and give yourself over to them; which is really fucking terrifying.This is the loneliest and most dangerous place to be of all, it’s so easy to become lost and feel utterly hopeless, worthless, without the future you had spent years working towards. There’s just the when and how of the end of things as they are to contemplate, and whether you have the will to rise up from imminent destruction to start all over again.
Move forward, inch by inch until you put some distance between yourself and anything or anyone who is poisonous to your well being. Everyone else is carrying on, and pretty much no one really gives a damn what happens to you; once you accept that rather disappointing fact of life it does get easier, and you survive by learning to care far less than you had been used to. The further away you get yourself from dark situations the more clearly you can distinguish what options are truly available, what possibilities may exist, and what purpose you might discover for yourself. Chances are, given enough time, you’ll find yourself on solid ground once again and not entirely as alone as you once thought. The alternatives are too simply fucked up to contemplate.
The sad truth is most people are really lazy, far too lazy to get involved in anything that might require significant effort: to take some action; to make a choice; to examine what is fact, what is fiction; to even ask a dumb fucking question.
Of course, merely asking questions has great danger associated with it, especially if the answer might lead to examining one’s own conscience. Such critical thinking could lead to laying bare faults with one’s self - choices, beliefs, rationale can be picked apart and crumble to dust if a simple lie is exposed and determinedly followed. This is anathema to those who prefer to be led, that they can willingly abrogate individual responsibility and claim ignorance for any position is a much more comforting proposition.
In general, from experience, people are quite happy to believe the first thing they hear, especially if it reinforces what perceptions and prejudices they may have. This is what makes all of us so gullible, so easy to manipulate, and so fucking disappointing.
It’s not really a question of ‘if’ people will let you down, it’s more a question of how often and by how much.